"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not IN Love With Them"- Here's What To Do!

Most people believe that being in love with your partner is just something that happens– a product of the connection and healthy relationship dynamics you have, and a result of how your partner treats you. While these factors certainly contribute to feeling in love with our significant other, they are NOT just something that happens. The FEELINGS of being in love are ALSO something YOU participate in creating, and something you can get back when you feel like it has gone away. 

When couples come to us looking for help with improving or even saving their relationship, it’s not uncommon for at least one of them to feel like they’ve fallen out of love with their partner. They certainly “have love” for their partner, but they’re no longer feeling that warm, squishy, butterfly-tingling feeling that they used to feel. 

And when that goes away, especially when it’s replaced with conflict, communication breakdowns, and disconnection… people get understandably worried. 

They start to wonder, “Is this it? Is this what I’m stuck with for the rest of my life? Is it a sign from the Universe? Does it mean I’m with the wrong person?” And so on. 

They also typically blame their partner for the decline in their good feelings. “I fell out of love because they (fill in the blank). 

Neither of those things are what I call “Capital ‘T’ True.” They may feel true, I have no doubt. But they are not objectively true. 

Where Does The Love Go?

Honestly, I think part of the reason that those in love feelings go away is because people mostly expect them to just be there automatically. Most people don’t realize that they participate in creating those feelings within themselves and within the relationship. 

We stop dating our partners. 

We stop seeing them in the warm, glowing light of their perfection and possibilities. 

We stop giving them the benefit of the doubt, assuming a positive intent, and believing in their inherent goodness. 

And we start seeing more of their flaws. 

We start cataloguing our disappointments and frustrations with them.

We start expecting more of the hard and upsetting stuff and less of the good and wonderful stuff. 

We start taking for granted their presence and their love. 

And as this happens, our perception of them shifts. 

We don’t see them as the wonderful, amazing, miraculous, gift of a person that we once did. 

And so, we don’t treat them as such.

And they feel that. 

And it doesn’t feel great. 

So they don’t show up as lovingly. They don’t date you or delight in you the same way they used to either. They start seeing you negatively more often too.

Eventually, you’ve both got your guards up. Neither of you are feeling particularly loved or satisfied, to say nothing of being enthusiastically happy and in love with one another. 

And so, the love feelings go. 

How Do You Get Those Feelings Back?

Well, if you can understand the way that you got there, the solution is pretty simple–You have to change how you’re thinking and acting in your relationship. See your partner in a more positive light, treat them like they are special, marvel at how incredible it is that they are in your life, delight in their presence, and respond with love, patience, compassion, and a desire to connect and create joy. 

Do that, and I promise you will start noticing a change in how you are feeling. 

Of course, simple solutions are not always easy ones. 

Changing how you are thinking and acting in your relationship often requires trust, vulnerability, and a fair bit of courage as you choose to perceive and respond to things differently than your nervous system believes you should. 

You see, as your relationship has moved into some form of distress or dissatisfaction, parts of you have decided that your partner isn’t safe in some way. These parts believe that you can’t rely on them to be there when you need them, to respond in ways that feel good and supportive, or to really see, appreciate and care about you the way you want and deserve.

And to be sure, you’ve probably got a fair bit of evidence to support those conclusions. 

So are you deluding yourself by trying to believe something different? Aren’t you just putting yourself in danger of being hurt if you try to respond in more open and vulnerable ways? 

There’s the rub, isn’t it. I’m not going to lie, the beginning of this work isn’t easy… but it does get easier. And it DOES work, if you do so with conscious awareness, intention, integrity, accountability, and an approach that works. 

Tips And Tools For Falling In Love Again

Here are a few suggestions that we have found helpful in our own relationship, as well as in the coaching work that we do with couples. 

• Spend time in appreciation of your partner- When Cal and I were in our tough times and only starting to do the healing work we are now teaching others, I used to play this game with myself. Each time I noticed myself feeling critical, frustrated with, or unsatisfied in my relationship with Calvin, I’d challenge myself to think of at least 3 things that I loved and appreciated about him and our life together. Most of the time, I’d make myself say them out loud, and try to say them in a tone that sounded like I meant it. So, even when my internal experience was actually pretty grumpy and unloving, I chose to give love… and it made me feel better… because the truth is, even though my upset was valid, SO TOO was my appreciation. I just chose to put more energy and focus into the one that felt better than the one that felt bad, and in doing so, I did feel better… and so did Cal, and that helped our relationship be better too.
  
  Of course, there are other ways to spend time in appreciation of your partner. You could make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about them. You could spend time remembering when you met them and how many events had to happen exactly as they did in order for your paths to cross. You could imagine your partner as a child and see them in their innocence and perfection. You could connect with the hard and painful things that your partner has endured and feel the love and compassion for all they’ve made it through already. You could think about who your partner wants to be, what’s important to them, what their goals and dreams are. You could imagine your life without them, and think about all of the things that you would miss.
  
  Personally, I engage in ALL of these activities regularly, especially when I find myself not feeling very connected to or in love with Calvin, and, without him having to do anything at all, they help me shift into remembering how special he truly is and how much I really do love and appreciate him. Then, before you know it, I’m in love and squishy! So delightful!

• Go on vacation, just you two: Sometimes, all it takes is getting out of the typical routine to remember how lucky you really are to have this person in your life. Vacations can put you in a happy place, and that happiness and good feeling gets connected to memories with your partner. Take away the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning, parenting and working, and you get back to what really matters- you, love, living, each other- you suddenly find yourself connected to those feelings you once thought were lost.
  
  That isn’t your partner’s doing. It’s the result of your own energy shifting into a more relaxed, safe, and happy state of being. When you can cultivate that within yourself, you can connect to it about your partner (and any part of life, for that matter! Trust me, falling in love with all of life is a pretty fantastic feeling!)
  
  Just keep in mind that travel can have its stressors too… so be sure that you set the intention to get through those stressors together, let them be part of the adventure, and commit to being a team when they inevitably show up!

• Give love first: When I was in grad school, one of my favorite teachers taught a “liberating assumption” that went something like, “If you’re unhappy with the love you’re getting, take a look at the love you’re giving.” Turns out, this was really great advice.
  
  When your partner feels safe, loved, and cherished by you, they are a lot more likely to treat you in ways that honor and appreciate your greatness too. You can wait to get out of what is essentially a power struggle by wanting them to make you feel that way first, or you can step into your own power and responsibility by being the one to love them first. (I recommend the latter).
  
  In truth, what you give, you will get back, even if it’s not right away. Your love makes deposits in the emotional bank account of your relationship that likely you BOTH have been neglecting. But to turn it around, someone’s got to start putting more love and care back in. Why not let that someone be you? 

• Get support that WORKS! Listen, it doesn’t have to be me or us, butand I always advocate for finding support to help you get your relationship back on track. Or, more accurate, I advocate for finding the RIGHT support. Not all options are created equal. Some people and resources are going to be a better fit for you and your relationship than others. Whatever the case, don’t settle for a source of support that isn’t helping!
  
  I’ve heard too many stories of people who have tried couples counseling or therapy, gone on marital retreats, went to a workshop, read some books, and did not experiene the lasting transformation that they were looking for. Then they conclude that those solutions don’t work. Well, sometimes they don’t… or perhaps it just wasn’t the RIGHT resource for you! There ARE some good therapists out there. There ARE some transformational retreats, life-changing workshops, and helpful books. You just may have to sort through a few until you find the right one for you.
  
  But when you find that resource… don’t pass it by! Even if it’s expensive, or if you have to get on a waiting list… do the thing! Your relationship is worth it. You’ve put far too much time and effort into your relationship thus far to just give up… even if it hasn’t been feeling too great for a long time. Know and trust that, if you are willing to do your part of the work, and especially if you get the right kind of support, you can absolutely turn things around. 

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And of course, if you’d like to explore the possibility of working with us, don’t hesitate to reach out. A majority of the couples we work with experience dramatic transformations in their relationship in a matter of WEEKS! We’d love to explore whether the powerful work we do could be exactly the solution you need to move past your struggles, fall back in love, and create an extraordinary relationship. 

We offer a FREE coaching session, which we call a Relationship Empowerment Call, during which we will help you explore and understand what hasn’t been working, what you want to be different and better, and we will help you create a game plan for bridging that gap. No sales, no pressure; our goal is simply to empower you with the next best step you can take in your relationship so that it can become the warm, delicious, fulfilling, in-love-forever relationship that you desire. 

Book your call here!

You might also want to check out our Path To Extraordinary Relationships membership library. Membership gives you access to a growing collection of classes that examine common issues in relationships, how to make sense of them, and how to move through them more powerfully. In terms of falling back in love, I would recommend the classes “The Truth About Love,” and “The Grass Isn’t Greener.” 

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