4 Simple Strategies For Hard Conversations Without Conflict

If you find yourself struggling to talk about certain issues with your partner, then tune in for this one! Here, I'll share 4 simple strategies you can use to communicate more effectively, avoid conflict during difficult dialogues, and finally move past those recurring issues!

Ever notice how certain topics or issues just keep showing up in your relationship? Each time they show up, you and your partner end up frustrated, upset, and/or fighting. And frankly, they’re not getting fully resolved… so they stew underneath the surface, building resentment and distrust. 

Sometimes, you may even forget that these issues are there. Maybe you think you’ve resolved them, or moved past them… and then WHAM! They show up again, and you’re right back in the conflict and frustration. 

Yeah, it’s pretty common… and pretty dangerous to a relationship.

Why? Because when it’s good, you don’t think it’s so bad, so you aren’t working on things.

And when it’s bad, you’re not effectively resolving or fixing the root problems so that things ACTUALLY change for the better.

But each time the same problem, issue, or injury occurs, it gets a little bit worse.

Read that one again... 

Communication is the TOOL that we use to resolve issues, but certain issues are hard to talk about in our relationships. And when these continue to show up, unresolved, growing in the layers of conflict memories associated with the issue at hand… they become ever more upsetting and difficult! 

Often, they even bleed into the overall sense of satisfaction in relationships and can lead to the belief that partners are incompatible or the relationship is just not going to work.  

Unfortunately, as important as we all know communication is to our relationships, few people are taught how to communicate effectively… especially about difficult or nervous-system-activating (aka “triggering”) topics. 

Fortunately, we have a solution!

In our work with couples, we teach a framework called “THE FOUR P’S.” These four simple strategies work wonders in helping to ease the anxiety of having difficult conversations AND help ensure that those conversations are as effective as possible.

1️⃣ PICK YOUR BATTLES.

There are probably dozens of little things every day that you might complain about in your relationship (hey, that goes for us too!), but most of them don’t need to be a conversation. When we say pick your battles, we mean slow down enough when you find yourself annoyed or upset and ask whether it’s worth bringing up.

If it’s NOT, then make the conscious and deliberate choice to NOT bring it up… not because you’re too afraid to rock the boat, or because it’s too uncomfortable, or you don’t want to ruin the day. Choose not to bring something up because you genuinely feel ok about letting it go. And then for reals… let it go. It’s not fair to bring that shi*t up again later, when it was YOU who decided that it wasn’t worth the conversation.

2️⃣ PLAN

Often, when we bring things up out of the blue, or even in the moment, the feedback we are giving is not received all that well. Why? Because your partner wasn’t prepared for it.

Sometimes planning looks like asking your partner to have a conversation about a topic, scheduling it on the calendar, and then keeping the appointment. But sometimes planning can just look like “Hey, can I give you some feedback about what just happened?” Planning your conversation, changes the whole game, because then you’re both aware and consenting to the fact that this conversation is going to happen. Trust us. It’s worth it.

3️⃣ PREPARE

When a conversation is likely to be particularly activating for you or your partner (or both), PREPARING can make the difference between a conversation that goes great, and one that makes things worse.

Preparing means taking the time to consider what you want to say, HOW you want to say it, AND getting yourself into an empowered, loving, calm energy before the conversation. This step, is actually the most important.

4️⃣ PARTICIPATE

Difficult conversations are an ACTIVE process. That means that not only are you sharing your thoughts and feelings, but you’re also actively listening to your partner’s. You’re paying attention to your tone, energy, and mindset in the conversation. You’re choosing to be courageous, to remember that you love your partner, and to try to keep your walls, “weapons”, and defenses down! And you’re owning when you are feeling too overwhelmed or flooded to continue.

This is the EXACT process that one of our clients followed to finally address a financial situation with her partner that had been eating away at her for months. Every other time that she’d try to bring this up and express her hurt, anger, and broken trust… the conversation turned into an argument. But after she followed these 4 steps, she happily reported that she was able to have that conversation in a productive and helpful way that resulted in repair and reconnection!

In our 90-day high-touch intensive, effectively communicating about and navigating unresolved issues is one of the main things that we help our struggling but committed couples to do, so that they can turn away from the brink of breaking up and get to a place of safety, ease, and true partnership again. We will also work on healing and repairing injuries, fostering connection and fun, and learning the tools for navigating any challenge.

❤ If you’re ready to stop the cycle of highs and lows in your relationship and learn how to keep things going on an upward trajectory (better and better all the time!), apply to work with us! You’ll schedule a FREE 90-minute call, fill out a brief application, and we’ll go from there!  

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